Resources · For the support person
What Nobody Tells the Support Person
Where we say "she" we mean the person giving birth. Where we say "you" we mean the person reading this, whoever that is.
Your job in one line
- Before the birth: know the plan, the route and the bag.
- During labour: be present, calm and practical. Let her lead.
- After the birth: own the logistics so she can rest and recover.
- Always: watch for the signs that either of you needs help, and act on them.
Early labour, at home
Early labour can last hours, sometimes a full day. This is the phase where most partners feel most helpless, and that is exactly right. Your job is not to fix anything. It is to be present, calm and practical.
Keep her comfortable. Keep her fed and hydrated if she can manage it. Time the contractions if she wants you to. If she wants to talk, talk. If she wants silence, give her silence. Do not narrate what is happening or tell her how she is doing unless she asks.
When to call the hospital
When contractions are regular, strong and around five minutes apart lasting about a minute each, or when she tells you it is time. Trust her read on her own body, and follow the hospital's own early-labour advice.
Arriving at hospital
- Drop her at the entrance before you park if she cannot walk comfortably. Do not make her stand in a car park during contractions.
- Have the Medicare card and health fund details at the top of the bag. Not buried. At the top.
- Know her birth preferences before you walk in. You may need to speak for her at moments when she cannot speak for herself.
In the labour room
Your job is not to manage her pain. It is to support her through it.
During contractions
- Be close. Breathe with her if she wants that.
- Some women want physical contact during contractions, some do not want to be touched at all. Ask once, early, and follow her lead.
- Do not ask questions during a contraction.
Between contractions
- She may want to talk normally, or rest. Let her set the pace.
- Use the gaps to get water, adjust pillows and check in quietly.
- You will feel helpless at moments. That is normal and does not mean you are doing it wrong.
After the birth
The moment after birth is often overwhelming for the support person in a way that is rarely talked about. You may feel flooded with relief, emotion, or something that is hard to name. This is completely normal.
Skin-to-skin can often happen immediately, sometimes with her, sometimes with you if she needs attention from the team. Ask the midwife. Let the midwives do their work, stay close to her, take a photo if she wants one, and let the first hour be quiet if you can.
If she is having a caesarean
- Before she goes in. You will not be in the room for preparation. Have something to do and something to eat. Do not let your phone die.
- In the theatre. You will be seated at her head behind the curtain. You will not see the surgery. Focus on her face. Talk to her.
- In recovery. She will be numb from the chest down for one to two hours. Skin-to-skin can usually happen in theatre or shortly after. Ask the midwife.
- First days at home. She should not lift anything heavier than the baby for several weeks. High-waisted underwear that clears the incision matters. You are doing the lifting.
If things do not go to plan
Birth does not always follow the plan. If something changes, an unplanned caesarean, an intervention, a change in circumstances, your role is to stay calm and be her advocate. Ask the team to explain what is happening. You are allowed to ask questions and to ask them to slow down and explain again. You do not need to pretend you understand something you do not. Hold her hand. Make eye contact.
The first two weeks home
This is where partners make the biggest difference, and where most people underestimate what is needed.
What is happening to her body
Bleeding is heavy and normal
- Lochia starts immediately and can last up to six weeks. It will be heavier than expected in the first days.
- Soaking more than one pad an hour for two hours in a row is not normal. Seek help immediately.
Perineal discomfort is real
- She is using a peri bottle, ice pads, cooling liners and perineal foam. Know what they are and keep them stocked.
- Fill the peri bottle with warm water before she gets up, in hospital and at home. Have it ready.
She will be exhausted
- Not tired. Exhausted. Handle everything you can so she does not have to.
Recovery is not linear
- Some days will feel better than others. A harder day does not mean something is wrong.
Your role, in practice
- Own the logistics entirely. Food, washing, visitors, phone calls, messages. Do not ask what needs doing. Look around and do it.
- Protect her rest. Rest directly affects recovery, and activity increases postpartum bleeding. Make rest the default.
- Know the bathroom routine. Every visit involves the peri bottle, underwear, ice pads, cooling liners and foam. Know where it all is. Restock before it runs out.
- Manage visitors yourself. You end the visit. You say it is time for her to rest. It is uncomfortable. Do it anyway.
- Book the pelvic floor physio. Two to three weeks postpartum, not six. Make the booking, add it to the calendar, tell her it is done.
Feeding: how to actually help
If she is breastfeeding
- Do not offer opinions on positioning unless she asks. Do offer pillows, water and your presence.
- Have water ready at every single feed.
- Breastfeeding is uncomfortable at first for many women. That is not a sign it is not working. Do not suggest alternatives unless she raises them.
- The midwife and lactation consultant are the experts. Make sure she can reach them without asking twice.
If she is bottle feeding
- You can do this feed. A feed that is entirely yours to give is one of the most meaningful things available to you in the early weeks.
- Learn to make it up correctly. Do the night feed when you can. This is not helping her. This is parenting.
In both cases, protect the space. Keep it quiet and keep visitors away during feeds until she says otherwise.
What to say. What not to say.
Say this
- "What do you need right now?"
- And mean it. Be ready for the answer to be something specific.
- "You are doing an incredible job."
- Without adding "but" or any qualifier.
- "I've got the baby. Sleep."
- And then actually have the baby.
- "I called the midwife. She's coming at 10."
- Taking action without being asked is worth more than any words.
- "I don't know what I'm doing either. We're figuring it out together."
- Honesty is more comforting than false confidence.
Not this
- "Shouldn't you be feeling better by now?"
- Recovery is not linear. There is no schedule.
- "My mum said..."
- Unless your mum is a midwife and your partner has asked. Not now.
- "You just need to get out of the house."
- Rest is recovery. Rest is not laziness.
- "I'm tired too."
- You are. This is not the moment.
- "At least..."
- Whatever comes after those words, stop before you say them.
- "Are you sure you're doing that right?"
- About feeding, settling, anything. Unless there is a safety concern, trust her.
Postnatal depression affects partners too
Most people know postnatal depression and anxiety can affect mothers. Fewer know they affect partners as well, and that it often goes unrecognised because nobody is looking for it. PANDA supports both parents.
Signs to watch for in her
- Persistent sadness or emptiness beyond the first two weeks
- Difficulty bonding with the baby
- Feeling like she is failing, or that everyone would be better off without her
- Withdrawing from you and from people she is close to
Signs to watch for in yourself
- Irritability or anger that feels out of proportion
- Withdrawing from her and from the baby
- Working more than usual to avoid being at home
- Feeling disconnected or numb
- Anxiety about the baby's health that does not ease with reassurance
These are not signs of a bad parent. They are common, treatable, and nothing to push through alone. If either of you is struggling, say something. To each other first. To a GP next. To PANDA or Lifeline if you need to talk to someone today.
When to seek help
Get help straight away if you notice
Soaking more than one pad an hour for two or more hours, or clots larger than a 50-cent coin. Fever, increasing pain, or unusual discharge or smell from any wound. Increasing redness, heat or swelling at a caesarean incision. Dizziness, faintness or a racing heart with heavy bleeding: call 000. Low mood, withdrawal or an inability to cope in either of you: this is common and treatable, do not wait.
Nothing in this guide replaces advice from your midwife, obstetrician or GP. When in doubt, call.
The postpartum essentials, in one order
The Labour & Delivery Kit covers the bathroom routine.
Gown · Socks · Peri bottle · Ice pads · Underwear · Cooling liners · Perineal foam · Caddy. Know where it is, keep it stocked, fill the bottle before she gets up.
